Love, Sex & Everything in Between

We all dread THAT talk before having sex for the first time. The one that goes something like, “Hey, so I want to sleep with you, but …umm…so…well, let’s discus STD’s.” The next few minutes can be a blessing if done correctly or a complete nightmare if not properly informed.

But when is the right time to tell someone you’re dating that you have a STI (STI: Sexually Transmitted Infection is the more preferred term because not everything transferred sexually transmitted is a disease) or to ask if they do? And how do you make your decision based on the “talk” if you want to still get freaky with them?

There is no perfect time, but to be honest and let your future partner know prior to sex if you have a STI is the right thing to do. There are obviously different levels of concern depending on what you or they might have and only the two of you can figure out if you want to continue to a more intimate relationship (or one nighter).

The reason most people don’t want to talk about STIs is because of the stigma or shame that has been placed around them. To shed some light on how long some of these infections have been around. Oral herpes alone dates back to 6 million years and genital herpes has been around for 1.6 million years. And no, there is still no cure for this pesky problem. So why the shame around something that has literally been going on for millions of years?

It has been a long-held belief, especially in the gay community, “don’t ask, don’t tell.” As if ignorance prevents you from contracting HIV, Herpes, etc. The majority of people who have STIs do not know and can blindly pass it on. Some folks never have any symptoms and never get tested.

One of the first things I tell my clients when they come to see me about shame surrounding STIs and how to tell someone they want to have sex with that they have something, is this – it is better that you know because you (or them) can take precautions from spreading it further such as proper condoms (latex) or taking medications to prevent outbreaks or lessen other symptoms. Knowledge really is power in a variety of ways when concerning sex, and knowing the truth surrounding any STI is powerful and shows you care about your health and others. Plus, for all you know, that potential partner might have a STI and not know it, or might not want to tell you.

So, YES you do have to tell someone you are going to be sexually intimate with (even kissing if you have ever had a “fever blister” aka HSV-1 or Oral Herpes) because you should treat others like you want to be treated. Yes, there is a chance they might decide not to continue the relationship, but you will have your moral compass pointing true north. The more we talk about HIV, Herpes, HPV, Chlamydia, etc., the less shame will be associated with STIs and the less spreading will occur.

It is never going to be a cake walk, but it is one of those things that comes along with being an adult . Think of it like filling your taxes – you dread it, but know in the end it is the right thing to do and the consequences for NOT doing it will be worse. If you need to talk with someone professionally, you can contact a Sex Therapist or Sex Coach to help you.