Men Only

Back in the 1960s “Men’s Only” clubs were popular and well-accepted establishments. They were a place where men could congregate, smoke cigars, drink whiskey and not get nagged. In the 1970s the women’s movement began to target a few of the more well-known clubs and accused them as being sexist and started to get them closed based on gender bias. These kind of members only places slowly died down and now, are far and few between.

However, there are still a few men only nudist resorts where gays can go and enjoy the freedom of hanging out and not worrying about pointing fingers or prying eyes. There are also few low-key nightclubs where women are discouraged as patrons. I recently was allowed into a particular dance club that is well known for turning females away. I was greeted at the door and the bouncer tried to discourage me from coming in by explaining what type of club it was and that there was a lot of half-naked men dancing that might offend me (I don’t think he realized this was far from discouraging. A place where a woman can go, drink, watch sexy, scantily clad men dancing and NOT worry about getting a Micky slipped to her. This sounded like an ideal place.) Upon entering, I went up to the bar and when I sat down, a leather clad otter made a rude commit about how the place was starting to smell like fish, and then very dramatically moved elsewhere. I ordered my drink and watched a bear in a see-through thong dance on the box stage.

After looking around a bit I saw a familiar face and went up to give him a big hug. He was less than enthusiastic about talking with me, so I returned to my seat a little hurt. That’s when it dawned on me… he identifies as straight and is in a gay club. This is the real reason they discourage women from coming in. It has nothing to do with the old patriarchal Men’s Only clubs. These kind of places are needed so men who identify as straight or are still not ready to come out for whatever reason, still have a safe place. This has nothing to do with women, but has everything to do with society and how gay men are still treated by some.

Even in Palm Springs (the gayest friendly place on earth) there are men who are in the closet. Sexuality has never been anyone else’s business, but it is something everyone talks about and judges. There is a great saying predominately used in the BDSM lifestyle, “Don’t yuk on someone else’s yum.” I use this saying at every bachelorette party, workshop or lecture I present. As a society maybe this is a motto we should incorporate because even in gay culture I’ve heard a few “ews” or “that’s disgusting.” 

If you don’t care for someone’s way of life or what they do in their bedroom then walk the other way. Prejudice and anger are associated with adrenaline rushes and your nero-pathways become more engraved over time. So, the more hate you practice, the more you are becoming addicted to it, much like caffeine. You start to get a rush. Instead, become aware of your behavior and see where it begins. If you don’t like to be spanked or call someone “Daddy” then don’t. But we all have to stop judging others that have a different lifestyle. 

As a Sex Coach, this is an ongoing issue I hear from clients. By judging someone you are isolating them and as a gay community, that should be the last thing you want to do. Instead we should stand together and lift each other up. So, stop saying “That’s so gross” or “Why would you ever do that?” Instead, be curious and see why. Ask questions and stay open. Hold space for your fellow gays and who knows you might learn a new trick or two.

Please contact me Laura@PrimitiveBalance.com if you are feeling isolated or want to explore your sexuality. Being in the closet is lonely. Let your true self bloom.