Megan Davis is Reprogramming Her Mind

While Los Angeles may be home to a number of actors wanting fame and a lucrative career, how many have the true passion and hard work ethic to make it happen? Megan Davis is no stranger to the entertainment industry. She is a self-described theatre kid who had her first lead role at the Tulsa Opera in Oklahoma at the age of 12. Barely a few years later she again was playing the lead in The Day They Shot  John Lennon at the Edinburgh Theatre Festival. She has gone on to TV roles and has earned a nomination for Best Actress at the Los Angeles Independent Film Festival Awards. With a mind full of creative ideas and a talent for words, she debuted her first book of poetry What Breaks Us this past year. Even as Los Angeles as she has become, she states that she is a true Southern girl at heart, work ethic and all.

What ideals and what part of being raised in the South has given you the tools for life that you still subscribe to this day?

My love for BBQ food. I learned a lot of things, but I don’t know if I can say that I was the best at subscribing to manners. I was sent to manners classes. I got in trouble for throwing my tomatoes at people. I did the sweethearts balls and I nearly got arrested at the after party. But I will say that I learned a hell of a lot about kindness. I stand if someone older than me comes to the table. I will write handwritten thank you notes. I give the wave if someone lets me into traffic. I know all the words to every Garth Brooks song, I can two-step till I die, I loved beer and whiskey when I drank, I can slide down shale into a creek and I can ride a horse. So, I guess being Southern taught me almost everything I need in life.

You got into the entertainment industry early on. What was that inspiration that made you realize you wanted to be on stage and in the spotlight?

I was just obsessed with telling stories. And being a part of a different universe. I read recently that adults still sit down in a theater or in front of a television and say, “Tell me a story.” When I get occasional panic attacks that I can’t stop, I’ll tell the person with me to tell me a story. Our interest in each other – in learning and compassion – sustains us in so many ways. It might be the only thing that still gives me hope in humanity.

When did you first start to realize that your sexuality was a bit different?

It took me a while. People often talk about representation, and to be honest, it’s hard for me to understand why anyone doesn’t get it still, but this is a good example of it. Visibility is so important. Human beings deserve to see themselves reflected in the culture of society. We owe it to children to show them that they are all superheroes, even if they wear different capes. My mom told me recently that she wished she knew how different and alone I felt when I was younger. And I told her there was really no way for you to know because I didn’t fully know. I was still attracted to guys. Or at least as much as I assumed anyone was. When you’re super young it’s more of a social thing anyway. Some guy asks you to be his girlfriend on the playground, you say yes, and then you don’t speak again until one of you says ‘ew, yuck never mind.’ But when I started to get older, I was so confused. I didn’t know if everyone had crushes on their friends, or if everyone sat around fantasizing about their friend playing with their hair. We didn’t talk about sex in my household, other than the customary gift of the “What’s Happening to my Body?” book. And it wasn’t in any story I read. It wasn’t in any TV show I saw or any movie. There were no same-sex couples in commercials or in print ads. I had figured out my grandfather was gay when I was about eight because I noticed he was flirting with the piano man and I asked my mom and she almost hit the car in front of us. She asked me if I needed to talk about it, which confused the hell out of me, and then told me to keep it a secret. So that was it. That was all I knew about anything other than straightness. That it was something to be kept a secret. But I remember watching the bottle go around and around and hoping it would land on a girl. I remember hooking up with an older woman when I was a teenager. And I could tell I liked it more. But when I had sex with a guy for the first time, then I was really confused because I loved it. So, I thought, maybe I’m straight. Then I had sex with a girl and was like, well, definitely not straight.

What is your coming out story?

I remember knowing it was going to be a big deal in my family. You can imagine, being from Oklahoma, they’re super Republican and super religious. So, naturally, they were thrilled to give birth to a queer drug addict. But I started sleeping with women and thought, well they don’t need to know about that. I’ll just tell them when I fall in love with a girl. And then I did. So, I did. I was really scared. I don’t care what anyone says, of course, you want your family to love and accept you. But that’s not everyone’s story. Not all of them are homophobic. But a lot of them still are. Some have gotten better. Some politely “love me but think I’m going to hell” and don’t see that as their problem. And some are downright still hateful about it. That’s why I wrote the poem “Family” in the book. I thought they’d throw a fit but eventually decide that love was more important. Maybe they will one day. I did have a dream though that I was texting with my grandmother (mom’s mom) in Heaven and told her and she texted back “Aw, honey there’s no gender here.”

Megan went to Catholic growing up, something that would prove bittersweet.

How did you deal with what the Catholic Church has to say about queerness as opposed to the feelings you were feeling?

Honestly, there were parts of it that were fun. I always found the chanting and the bells and the water spritzers to the crowd to be super fun. Slightly offensive that you couldn’t have any wine or bread, but you got a blessing, which felt a bit condescending. I just wanted the wine because I was already a little teenage addict. I was quite literally ALWAYS in trouble at school. I remember getting kicked out so many times. For legit questions. One day I asked, “If Adam and Eve only had Cain and Able, then who did Cain and Able have children with?” I still think that’s a reasonable question. You know, I didn’t fully understand my sexuality yet because I was attracted to men too. So, I thought maybe I was just super desperate for friendship, and everyone is secretly longing to cuddle with their legs intertwined with their friends at night. I mean, when I was a kid – you were either straight or you were Ellen. There wasn’t anything else. I couldn’t understand why I was fine with whoever the bottle landed on. But I was never ok with (what felt to me) like a huge amount of hypocrisy in the church. I have never been ok with religion. I have never been ok with the idea of telling someone they’re going to hell or placing yourself as a conduit between another person and God. And I am certainly not ok with the fake concept of “Why can’t we just agree to disagree?” Well, because my disagreement with you doesn’t come with a side of condemnation of your soul to an eternity of hellfire, Karen. That’s the biggest gaslight ever. So yeah, I’d say I’m probably not over it quite yet.

While performing at the Edinburgh Theatre Festival, she saw the powerful piece The Laramie Project, a reactionary piece to the hate crime murder of Matthew Shepard. She saw how art could change people’s perspectives and open hearts. Megan decided her Catholic school in Oklahoma had to perform the show. Although protested against, the show was put on and standing-room audiences began to fill the auditorium.

My director, Mrs. Oliver, was amazing. She took the play and highlighted the lines of the Catholic priest, who was one of the most loving and accepting characters based on Father Roger Schmit, who was the campus priest at the time Matthew Shepard was killed. This is a quote that really shows who he is – “I thought, ‘You know, should we…call the bishop and ask him permission to do the vigil?’ And I was like, ‘Hell, no, I’m not going to do that.’ His permission doesn’t make it correct; you realize that? And I’m not knocking bishops, but what is correct is correct.” She highlighted all of his lines and sent them to the head of the school but also to the bishop. They finally agreed, as long as we put a disclaimer about the church not endorsing the lifestyle of… blah blah blah. That part isn’t important, and obviously, we weren’t thrilled about that, but we got to do it. And that was what was important. Because, so often, even before social media, we live in these echo chambers. People only express views that are the same as everyone around them. But this was important because no one talked about this in Oklahoma. No one was talking about the danger of hate. No one was talking about sexuality at all. I mean, how the hell are we going to learn anything other than our own experience if we don’t talk about it, don’t read about it, don’t take in art about it. And without that, we don’t have a shot at compassion at all.

That show was a turning point for Megan and from that moment on, she was committed to using art as a way to make a difference, to make the world a better place. She went on to study Acting and Musical Theatre at the University of Arizona. She then decided to pack her bags and head to Los Angeles to really pursue her career. What was it like moving to Los Angeles?

I was so terrified. And when I get massive amounts of anxiety, I just tend to not sleep. Somehow it honestly quiets the mind. As unhealthy as that I, when I first moved here, I would go 48 hours away and 12 hours sleeping. But eventually, the chatter got to be less, and things started feeling safe. I did like the fact that I could walk to places. Like the store. I know that seems ridiculous, but I had never lived anywhere where you could just walk to a store! I also really loved the energy of LA where it just seems like everyone is accepted for who they are. 

How were your first auditions in LA, any horror stories?

Even getting to the point of getting auditions is really hard. It felt like I wanted to be in the Olympics but instead of training somewhere else and getting a sponsor, I just showed up to the city where the Olympics were in and asked to be put in. I mean, I have been in some weird situations – showed up in some pretty shady places for “auditions”. But what haunts me are the opportunities that I wasn’t ready for and missed out on.

Did you ever feel the pressure to hide your sexuality in order to make it in Hollywood?

Well, yes and no. I think as a society, we treat sexuality differently for female-identifying and male-identifying people. They both are subject to the patriarchy in the way that it seems that men are forced to choose, and women are allowed to experiment but they’re not really supposed to fall in love with another woman, certainly not consider marriage. Which is all just such bullshit. I know a lot of incredible people who identify as male who are attracted to all kinds of people, and I know a lot of people who identify as female who want to marry another female-identifying person. So, while I never felt pressured to hide my sexuality, I definitely felt the shift from some men around me in the industry once I had a girlfriend. Wasn’t hot anymore. All of a sudden it was somehow offensive. The other thing that has annoyed me is that I have had a bunch of casting directors tell me I don’t “look gay enough” which is a bit confusing, since I am. I mean, what do you say to that? Take me to a strip club and find out? Put a really hot girl in front of me and let’s see if I am? Such a weird comment.

She began appearing on stage and in roles in American Horror Story, 2 Broke Girls, and Bones. Her biggest onscreen role was in the Fox movie Hot Take: The Depp/Heard Trial, playing Amber Heard. An actor playing a celebrity in the headlines is often a gamble, for Megan it paid off.

I would say it did pay off and I’ll tell you why – when it was first announced in Deadline, I got more hate mail on Instagram than I have ever gotten in my life. I mean, just thousands of hateful messages. And from both sides. How could you do this to women? How could you do this to bi people? How could you do this to gay people? What makes someone as ugly as you think you could play her? What makes someone as fat as you think you could play her? Just on and on and on. And then the movie came out. And I didn’t get a single piece of hate mail after that. Instead, I got messages saying things like hey I didn’t really like her before, but I can see her human side now or I get it or I have compassion now. And honestly, that’s all I was interested in. I knew it wouldn’t be nominated for awards or win any brownie points in the industry because the timing was too salacious for some people, and I get that. But I don’t care how anyone felt about her, she’s a human. And, no, she didn’t do herself any favors with her testimony. It was odd for sure. But I really never understood why people didn’t seem to understand that she was a 25-year-old girl when they got into that relationship. He was a 45-year-old man. I don’t know about you, but I have pretty different expectations for my behavior at 25 than I do at 45. And yet, no one seemed interested in holding him accountable. But that wasn’t my job. My job was to relate to her and see her truth enough to play her fairly – could I see her humanity, could I understand why she did and said the things she did, could I understand her wounds and her trauma and how those caused her to act out of fear, could I understand her relationship to addiction and attachment, could I see the world from her point of view? Because that’s what she deserved from me. And I hope that I did.

Playing Heard has been Amber’s biggest onscreen challenge, thus far.

We had such little time to prepare and such little time to shoot. And I hadn’t seen any of the trial until after I got the role. So that was a lot of hours to watch. I ate, slept, and breathed it. And we would get handed new pages the day-of on set. And these are real-life moments. These are moments that have been well documented on camera. So, you can’t just improv and wing it. That wouldn’t serve the truth at all. It was hard for sure.

Over the past 12 years, Megan has worked on her mental health through poetry. At the urgence of friends and colleagues, she has put her poetry journey together for What Breaks Us, a raw and visceral anthology of poems that are provocative, heartbreaking, and inspirational.

How does poetry represent you differently than your other mediums?

You know, when I was a kid my dad introduced me to poetry, and he would read poems with me at night. And I would sleep with the anthologies under my pillow. Maybe it is as simple as I learned what my emotions were through reading poetry so then when I went to write them out that’s how they came out. Or maybe it is that my brain needed something to do so I could process the emotion and giving it the task of coming up with words in a sort of pattern kept the ADHD busy enough that I could feel. But I don’t really know. I think of songwriting as poetry, in fact, some of what I would consider my favorite poets are songwriters. Somehow it just seems to express the human experience in an intangible way that nothing else can. Helplessness as a word feels so insufficient but expressed in Edgar Allan Poe’s poem as trying to save a single grain of sand from the pitiless wave, it just makes sense, and it’s like yes that’s it – that’s the feeling.

It is a love letter to what breaks you…. What has broken you the most, and how did you get through it?

I was really sitting here reflecting on this one because there were so many moments in my life that seem an obvious answer to this. Overdoses, arrests, rehabs, jails – certainly those were all moments that seemed insurmountable at the time. But I think what I have really realized lately is how much I have broken myself because I was too afraid to speak my own truth. When I was little, I learned that love was protecting people. I spent most of my life abandoning myself if it meant protecting someone else. And I have really struggled with that. I don’t know, if you ask me tomorrow or next week I might have a different answer, but for today, that is true for me. 

Which poem best describes where you are today?

Ok, I’m going to say two lines from two different poems – “I’m reprogramming my mind” and “Your feelings are not bigger than your purpose. They are like the wind – eventually, they will stop blowing.” And I picked these because what this book has taught me was just how many beliefs I was carrying around that I didn’t put there. They were put there by religion, or society, or parents, or family, or any number of things, but that doesn’t mean I have to continue to agree that they are true. I really have struggled my whole life with self-esteem. I grew up in a violent household, and I was the only one that got hit. Probably because I was the only one who talked back. But it created in me a deep belief that there was something wrong with me – that I didn’t deserve to be loved, or that no one ever could. And because I believed that my whole life, I found myself in situations where I chose people who didn’t have the capacity while simultaneously trying to fight for their love. And it really had little to do with them and everything to do with my own beliefs about myself. And often, something will happen, and I’ll have an emotional response and then realize later that some of what my emotions or bodily reaction were telling my mind wasn’t even true. It was just old, frayed wiring. So, now I am in a place where I am really trying to allow whatever response my body has, and then, after it has passed, ask myself what is true and what isn’t, and reprogram from there.

What do you want the most from your future career?

I was thinking about this tonight. I suppose the best way to say it is I just want to continue to get to make art that I love with people who inspire me and hopefully make a difference in the world.

What is your message to the LGBTQ community this Pride season?

I mean, I don’t think I need to say anything except keep loving yourself no matter what people say. There is a truth to the fact that most people respond with hate because they are unable to love themselves, so anything that Pride is met with other than love is simply a reflection of the person projecting their hatred. Pride is important for so many reasons, but at its core, I believe it is about a group of people in New York City who refused to be persecuted for who they were and decided to fight back. And it is up to all of us to continue to honor and respect their courage by continuing to speak our own truth today. And, most of all, thank you. Because I don’t know what my life would look like today without them.

Check out everything Megan and What Breaks Us at WhatBreaksUsPoetry.com