1313: Two unlucky 13s can make you lucky

There aren’t many things scarier than a bad movie, and director David DeCoteau’s 1313 quasi-gay-horror films are the ultimate in film frights. This is a collection of over a dozen low budget films full of monsters, aliens, crazed killers, and hot boys. While Netflix lists these as “Gay & Lesbian” the closest thing to LGBT content is the eye candy. Did I mention the always-shirtless guys most of whom are also porn actors? In almost every film some or all of them end up in a pool, working out, taking a shower, tied to a bed, stripped down to their tighty whities, and usually dead. Oh, and the walking. They walk alone around a big empty house (the same house in each film), over and over and over. If you imagine a hot porno with the sex scenes replaced with walking then you’ve got 80% of 1313. They run the gambit from sexy fun flicks for your Halloween party, to feeling like a torture puzzle from Saw. But fear not, the subpar acting, cheesy sets, and bizarre stories make these the most hilarious non-scary, non-erotic, non-gay, queer horror films you’ve ever laughed at.

Recently I sat down for an all-day marathon of 1313 hot hunk horror, and I almost didn’t make out alive!

 1313: COUGAR CULT

MILF cougar witches, who actually turn into (cartoon) cougars, need shirtless men to stay young. The best of the bunch thanks to the witches’ over-the-top acting.

Tighty whitey tally: 6     Guys in bed touching themselves: 5

Showers: 3

Quote: “If you’re going to come in you’re going to have to lose about 90% of that outfit. You see we like to just cut right to the chase around here.”

1313: UFO INVASION

An eccentric woman (she’s really an alien) rents her house to hot shirtless college guys to secretly harvest their brain matter for her research on humans.

Tighty whitey tally: 6     Guys in bed tied down: 7

Showers: 1          Working out: 3

Quote: “Come on guys this isn’t funny. You know I don’t like to be in straps.”

1313: BERMUDA TRIANGLE

A shirtless treasure hunter gathers a team of shirtless experts to confirm the value of his underwater booty. All is going well until a magical shirtless Atlantean shows up to seek revenge.

Tighty whitey tally: 5     Guys struggling while tied up in underwear: 4

Showers: 1          Working out: 2

Quote: “The Ocean is never denied what is rightfully hers, whatever the cost.”

1313: FRANKENQUEEN

A Beverly Hills plastic surgeon hires shirtless test subjects who, unbeknownst to them, are having their brains sampled to bring her creature to life. And yes, she is making a man with blonde hair and a tan named Rocky.

Tighty whitey tally: 2     Showers: 2

Working out: 8

Quote: “I hope she probes you to see why you’re such a pain in the ass.”

1313: WICKED STEPBROTHER

By far the most psychologically disturbing of the movies reviewed. Jarrod is turning 18, shirtless, and someone is murdering all of his shirtless friends at his pool party. Meanwhile his evil shirtless stepbrother is getting Jarrod drunk, giving him knives, and is having an incestuous relationship with their evil stepmother (her shirt stays on). They even have a mommy and sons sandwich make out session!

Tighty whitey tally: 2     Showers: 1

Quote: “They’re all leeches, and you know what you do with leeches? You cut them off.”

1313: ACTOR SLASH MODEL

A jaded actor crashes a casting director’s party to kill the shirtless actor/models who stole his acting jobs—because he’s skinny, average looking, and never takes off his shirt. Ironically the actor/murderer does the best acting of all the films.

Tighty whitey tally: 1     Showers: 1

Working out: 3

Quote: “All these TV shows, they don’t care about casting quality actors. They want to just make sure you look good when you take your shirt off.”

Other 1313 gems include Bigfoot Island, Boy Crazies, Haunted Frat, and Giant Killer Bees. Available on Netflix and iTunes.